A bank teller watched an elderly doctor write a check at the local bank. 
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.
The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your nose, let's work on your hearing.
A guy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse. the guy tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, the guy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
The guy was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
The guy was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 120 kph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blond turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like there's a cop behind us!!!"
The brunette then asked: "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again and said....
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
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A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son.
On their ninth attempt they are finally blessed with a boy.
They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to a lavish party to celebrate the birth.
While the party is in full swing one of the guests approaches the father to congratulate him. “So tell me,” he says, “who does your little boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?”
The father thinks for a while and
says, “Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven’t looked at his face yet!”
After being with a girl all evening, the guy had decided he couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier in the evening, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on his mobile phone. So he’d have an excuse to leave if the date was not going well.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
A recent survey was carried out to see what type of women’s legs most men prefer. The results were:
25 % said that they like fat legs
19 % said that they like skinny legs
And the rest said they prefer something in between!
A terribly overweight blonde goes to see her doctor for some help with dieting.
The doctor tells her:“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returns she shocks the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds!
“That's amazing!” says the doc. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods with her head, “I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to die on the third day.”
“What, from hunger?” asks the doc.
“No.” says the Blonde. “From all that skipping!”
An artist works in his studio at home. He specialises in nudes, and has been working on a masterpiece for several months.
His model shows up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she begins to undress for the day's work.
He says, “Don’t bother undressing. I don’t feel like painting. I think I’m getting the flu. I’ll pay you for the day. But you can go home. All I want to do is have some hot soup and then go to bed.”
The model says, “Hey, I’ll fix the soup for you. It's the least I can do.”
They’re sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying a cup of soup, when the artist hears the front door open and close.
”Oh my god!” he whispers, “It's the wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!”
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire; So they go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would be better if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.
“Good idea,” said the other.
and they started yelling:“Together, together!”
Three ladies were discussing the issues of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she tapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "Someone's at the door, I'll get it!"
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his application and says,
“This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university; your references are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales rep has a highly visible position, and I’m afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you.”
“But wait,” says the guy. “If I take two aspirins, I'll stop winking!”
”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of
condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and within a minute stops winking.
“Well,” says the interviewer, “that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!” Protests the guy. “Well then, how do you explain all the condoms?”
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room.
After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street next to a bull.
"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"
"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the bull's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.
"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way.
After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.
Again the elderly man grabs the bull by the balls and says "It is now 4:45."
By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this bull's balls!"
"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the bull's balls?"
"Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the bull's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.
"Now look underneath the bull's balls, and between his two front legs." The husband
does just that.
"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"
Little Johnny and Little Al were sitting outside a clinic. Little Al was crying very loudly.
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
A couple were in their bedroom and the woman says to her husband "I wish my tits were bigger". The husband says: "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet paper and rub it between your tits for 2 months". "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the wife.
'Well it worked for your ass perfectly, didn't it?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"