Worried Doctor

A bank teller watched an elderly doctor write a check at the local bank.

He had a very perplexed and confused look on his face.

When asked what was wrong, the old doctor looked down at his hand which contained a rectal thermometer and said:
"-I was just trying to remember where I left my pen."

Optometrists are Cool!

-"I dated an Optometrist once but I had to break it off."

-"Why?"

-Whenever we were making love he had to keep asking "Which is better? This? or ... This?"

Dear Me!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your nose, let's work on your hearing.

Wise Parrot

A guy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse.  the guy tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, the guy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

The guy was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

The guy was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

You've Got Blonde!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. 

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”